


It's Easier to Run

by koi_ling



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Anger, Emotional Roller Coaster, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Tension, angry!taehyun is a bunny who needs love, despite everything i don't think it's that angst, director!lee seunghoon is my kink, ex-adult movie star kang seungyoon, listen to meteora by linkin park!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 20:25:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7947844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koi_ling/pseuds/koi_ling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungyoon and Taehyun are both looking for a change in their lives. One wants to put past himself his old line of work and the other is trying to break free from his past as a child star. A movie brings them together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Easier to Run

**Author's Note:**

  * For [puerilebeauty5](https://archiveofourown.org/users/puerilebeauty5/gifts).



> Originally written for [winnerexchange](http://winnerexchange.livejournal.com/16400.html). Many thank-yous to my dear recipient!  
> And even more, thank you to Abbi, Dani and Ruvi for everything! Without you this fic wouldn't be the same.

 

 _BREAKING NEWS: famous adult movie actor gets casted in the most talked picture of next year. We don’t know if there would be the same hype for any other movie belonging to such a recently exploited genre – nowadays it’s not surprising to go to the theatre to watch the love story of John and James, instead of John and Julia – but we know for sure that we’ll_ love _this one. Director Lee Seunghoon has clearly made the best decision to early cast Nam Taehyun in his new work, “Tainted Love”, because that itself is good publicity. Who doesn’t know about Nam Taehyun? Just twenty-five, he’s been our nation’s sweetheart since he was six. Thousands of girls will fill the theatres just for him, whether for his last project or this new one. Now, the question is – did Lee Seunghoon lose his touch with such a risking choice for Nam Taehyun’s co-star? There is not certain name out on the net, yet there are already tons of questions and contrasting opinions arising – the most common one being: was really necessary to pick an adult movie star when there are many willing to work for Director Lee? Will he be able to act well enough to not compromise the quality of this project? And even more, especially coming from Nam Taehyun’s fans: knowing Nam Taehyun’s gentle soul, wouldn’t be better to have a good nice guy as his co-star instead of this_ type _of actor? Sadly, these questions have yet no answer._  
  
Nam Taehyun closes the tab hastily, sweated thumb pressed against the hard surface of the iPad even when the display turns dark. He doesn’t want to throw a fit without any apparent reason because, no matter how temperamental he is, there are some boundaries he shouldn’t cross to maintain his image. He is having a short break from shooting so there are too many prying eyes around him now.

He sips the iced Americano his assistant brought him earlier, unable to taste it, and tries to focus on something nice. The setting and the location for this photoshoot are rather luxurious and his partner is everything the common man would love, long legs and fake boobs, wrapped in a soft and suggestive dress that doesn’t hide what there is underneath. That reassurance of normalcy would be enough to calm Taehyun down, usually, but he can’t stop thinking about _that_ and it has been hours.

Luckily, the media doesn’t have a name for now, even though it can’t be put off forever. They will start speculating on this like everything else, for they mostly live thanks to well-crafted stories instead of plain reality, but everything will blow up as soon as that name is out.

Taehyun knows it already. The night before Director Lee called and flooded him with a combination of details about his co-star and excuses for the nature of his past occupation, but in all that mess of tangled words Taehyun was able to single out just one thing. Kang Seungyoon. _Cherry Bosco_ , the most ridiculous of stage names in the whole industry of adult movies.

Pushing his phone a little harder against his ear, Taehyun felt his skin prickling as a memory flashed through his mind. And with it a bunch of emotions he always hates to think about. He knew that name more than he is supposed to, more than he is proud to admit. 

Even so, it was such a bold move to make. Taehyun protested despite knowing Lee Seunghoon is the most stubborn of all the directors he has worked with, one that not even Taehyun can win. Director Lee does everything exactly the way he wants, so after listening to his complaints, all he conceded was a screen test with the two of them to see if they were lacking chemistry. 

It’s a small victory, but not enough for him. Even if it’s been hours, Taehyun feels too antsy to be able to calm down. He can’t quieten the vertigo at the bottom of his guts, the nasty feel that is taking control over his body and making him breathless. Like in a nightmare with eyes wide open, he can’t move a muscle. And under the thick layer of his skin, a thousand of beasts lives and breeds, multiplying, trying to tear him apart from the inside.

_Maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe it isn’t the right time to –_

Taehyun gulps down the iced Americano like his life depends on it.

\\\

    EXT. ABANDONED PLAYGROUND – SUNSET

    Hiseok twists the cigarette in his right hand, he’s troubled but we don’t exactly know why.  
    He looks ahead and jumps in shock. 

                HISEOK  
            (shaking both in fear  
            and excitement)  
        Hey you–you are not like- _dead_ -like  
        dead for real...

    There is a man (JAEHYUN) on the ground. He’s wearing a full-fledged rocker attire. He  
    is bleeding.

                HISEOK  
            (his hand clutched around  
            the man’s collar)  
        Dude! You can’t die on me!

\\\

Nam Taehyun is different in real life. Seungyoon expected someone taller, sturdy and buff just like the last character he played on the big screen, but the man that meets him today is someone just like him. Almost same height, long limbs clothed in a huge black tracksuit that hides everything but his face, Nam Taehyun looks suddenly like a real person and not just the face covering all the billboards of their country.

He’s still breathtakingly stunning, though. There is something about it – about his face, the long line of his neck, the cat eyes – that claims the name of beauty without hesitation. Like everyone else, Seungyoon knows that Taehyun has been acting in comedies since he can probably read, but he thinks that’s a waste of potential. The aura around Nam Taehyun is something that sucks you in, like the slyest of black holes. It’s something that begs for indie movies, more than blockbusters. Seungyoon understands why Director Lee picked him, now. 

He had been wondering how Nam Taehyun would fit the character he’s playing, but every doubt Seungyoon had is now gone. That raw streak of dark complexity that surrounds him is enough to be the spark for a bigger fire, something that Seungyoon wants to witness.

“Hello, I’m Kang Seungyoon”, he approaches the movie star with a smile. Taehyun merely looks at him and nods to acknowledge him, lips tightly clasped in a wince. Seungyoon doesn’t falter despite the ice-cold welcome because he already knows it’s not going to be easy for someone like him. He doesn’t stop smiling while he settles next to him, even when Taehyun slightly tenses up. 

Seungyoon is not letting anyone ruining this opportunity. It’s one in a thousand – probably one in a million – for people like him. He can’t even list down how many auditions have come to nothing just because no one wants to associate with somebody having that kind of past. So, even if his co-star loathes working with him and gives him the cold treatment during the whole production, he’ll swallow all the ill feelings like a bitter medicine and go on.

Director Lee saves them from further awkwardness, heading to the camera and greeting them with a simple: “Start when you feel ready”. They have already decided they’ll play one of the central scenes of the movie, and Seungyoon has been practicing for a few days because he must do his best today, but he suddenly feels nervous. He closes his eyes for an instant, and breathes in. The bump of stress inside his throat loosens up a little, giving him the possibility of gulping down a mouthful of air. He must be brilliant, nothing less. 

“For how long are you gonna try to keep us apart?”, Taehyun takes him by surprise and Seungyoon opens his eyes. He’s lost for the smallest instant, staring at Teahyun – Hiseok – and his face distorted by anger and disappointment. Seungyoon dives into that nook within his mind that’s all about this role, and looks at Hiseok like Jaehyun would do it. “For how long are you gonna try to put us down? You constantly push me away, day by day, with every action you take… don’t you understand what I feel?”, his hand finds Jaehyun’s arm and his fingers digs in the flesh like claws. Jaehyun can’t take his eyes off of Hiseok, even if it’ll be easier to look away.

“I exactly know what you feel”, his voice comes out low, raspy, and it almost hurts to speak. He pushes him away, enough to breathe normally. He’s too self-aware of how close they are and that’s not helping. “Of course I know what you feel! You made it quite obvious all this time”.

He sounds much harsher than he intends to do and Hiseok clenches his jaw, his eyes wanders over his face, looking for the truth he seeks. Jaehyun tries to hide it, but maybe he’s not such a good liar. 

“That day, when I found you almost dying, I was more interested in your story than your life”, Hiseok admits, cupping his cheek with his trembling hand. “I saved you because I wanted to know what had happened to you, more than for compassion. I was selfish like I always am”. 

Hiseok stares at him with dark eyes, deep and emotionless, and Jaehyun furrows his brow in an attempt to look angered. Somewhere at the back of Seungyoon’s mind, something stirs. It’s like being suddenly aware that he’s part of something bigger, something that evokes feelings he couldn’t know before – Taehyun acting pulls him just like only great things can do, and Seungyoon reacts to that pull naturally. 

He leans into his touch and sighs, like Jaehyun would do. After worrying his bottom lip, Hiseok continues: “I don’t know what makes you act like this, what makes you think things between us can’t work, but that’s bullshit. I don’t care about any of those reasons you might bring up, or about that talk we had last time, I don’t care about your past…”

“I have done things that-“, but Hiseok shushes him before he can continue. Jaehyun holds his breath, standing still as Hiseok threads his fingers through his hair. “It’s always been you and me. Nothing else matters. It’s just you and me”. 

Jaehyun’s hand wavers before clenching around his clothes, and Seungyoon wavers along with it. 

“Can’t you be selfish just for me?”

\\\

    INT. HISEOK’S PLACE – SUNSET

    Jaehyun caresses Hiseok’s cheeks, almost reverently. Hiseok looks at him for a long while be-  
    fore kissing him.  
    They kiss a lot, tenderly. Night comes.

\\\

_BREAKING NEWS: The mystery around “Tainted Love” has been solved. We’ve got a name, but we don’t recommend checking his past works. Kang Seungyoon, called in a more exotic way until not so long ago, is Nam Taehyun’s co-star. Normal people might not remember any celebrity going by the name of Kang Seungyoon, but he certainly had his share of fans before changing profession. It would be incredibly odd to discuss his abilities as an actor, especially because those he showed in the past should be kept private, but –_

“You shouldn’t read that shit”, Jinwoo startles him and Seungyoon instinctively pushes the magazine away, hiding it under the couch. “It’s just gossip, and there is gonna be tons of it for the next months and months and maybe even years. You knew it already before starting”. He rolls his eyes emphasizing how much of a hassle all of that is. 

Seungyoon chuckles at his friend’s exaggerated antics. He slides on the couch to make some room for Jinwoo and takes the beer he’s offering with a tiny smile. “I know I shouldn’t care”. The drink tastes bitter and refreshing, just what he needs. “It’s that sometimes I wonder, will my acting be enough to make them forget?”

Jinwoo turns to look at him and Seungyoon knows he can’t hide the sincerity he put in this question, not from him. They have known each other for quite a long time and they have shared moments of honesty that matter more than any small talk Seungyoon had with the majority of his friends, so there is no place he can run to when Jinwoo looks at him this way. 

“If you’re gonna be like this, you shouldn’t have started. I’m not the one who attended I don’t know how many acting classes just because they wanted to change profession. I rely on my face like always. Nothing too fancy… well, if you don’t count that Vogue cover last month”.

“Stop bragging around, you little shit. You can do that, but I’m no Kim Jinwoo”, Seungyoon hits him with no malice, a light punch on his shoulder, and Jinwoo laughs because it’s true no one can easily beat his visuals, and it’s also true that Seungyoon’s nagging is mostly funny rather than annoying. 

Jinwoo’s laughter subsides in a shallow chuckle, washed away by a sip of beer. “You used your assets well enough in the past, don’t you know?” – a wide grin that’s all naughtiness – “But I know you’ll do fine, Seungyoon, or I would have blatantly told you to stop. You worked too hard for this. And you’re good at acting, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of this was just an act of yours. No fucking prick with their snobby moral-seeking and ass-kissing opinion can deny that. You can just fuck them all – quite literally”. He crushes the beer can in his hand and throws it away, a smile plastered on his face just to prove his point. 

“Hyung!” Seungyoon screeches and laughs, unable to stand the cringe-worthy suggestion. Clinging on Jinwoo’s shoulder, he relies on aegyo to convey his sincerity: “It’s true I was teasing you, hyung, I wanted to see your protective side. Even if it’s hard, I know I can do it. I will. I must. For all I care they can keep being hypocrites, I’ll just ignore the haters. Even Nam Taehyun, he can keep up with his act, I’m not going anywhere”. 

Jinwoo cheers for him and Seungyoon gulps down his beer in one last long motion, swallowing any doubt with it. All that is left along with the bitter aftertaste is a lump at the base of his throat, and it dawns on him that it’s the same feeling he’s been carrying the whole day, since he and Taehyun acted together. It lingers even when Seungyoon wants to push it away, and makes it impossible for him to truly dislike his co-star.

It’s Jinwoo that brushes away the image of Taehyun in his mind, pushing another can of beer against his chest and loudly asking Seungyoon to drink it at once, so he’ll get drunk in no time. They must celebrate his new job, after all.

_Filming will start soon, and all the eyes of this country are on Kang Seungyoon. Many people agree that it’s ridiculous to bring someone with such a racy past to the big screen, where good families and impressionable teenagers can see him, and with no half measures they suggest boycotting the movie. But there are people who disagree already, mainly because Director Lee has specified that the movie will be rated 19+, so that only adult will be able to watch it in theatres. “It’s not right to impair creativity and a director’s artistic choice just because of common sense. That can be wrong too” – Song Mino, screenwriter collaborating with Lee Seunghoon since his famous “The White Lady”, explains – “Kang Seungyoon is the actor we wanted for this role and he and Nam Taehyun will surprise you all. For different reasons, they’re both new to the genre and to such a complex story… they’re both like infants taking their first steps. Everyone knows that’s something unrepeatable. You won’t want to miss that out”. With such challenging words, we’re clearly waiting for more, whether it’ll be good or bad. As a magazine, we will keep you posted while things unfold._

\\\

    INT. HISEOK’S PLACE – SUNRISE

    A room with matchboard-clad walls. There are few faded posters on the walls, books piled on  
    the floor. Jaehyun suddenly wakes up and looks around frantically. That place is scarily new  
    to him, like the man at his bedside. 

                HISEOK  
            (talking slowly)  
        Good morning. I am Jung Hiseok,  
        the man who found you lying  
        half-dead in a playground nearby.  
        I might be too forward but there  
        is something I must ask.

                JAEHYUN  
            (unable to speak, nods)

                HISEOK  
            (talking slowly)  
        I know you’ve been hit. I took  
        care of you, but I didn’t call the  
        police or the hospital, I just-had  
        a feeling-tell me, did I do well?  
        Should I trust you to that extent?

                JAEHYUN  
             (struggling to speak,  
            clearly emotionally shaken)  
        You-thank you...you were right-I  
        am not gonna be a bother-at all-  
        I’ll leave now.

    Jaehyun tries to sit but he’s hurting, so he lies down. Hiseok prevents him from moving. 

                HISEOK  
        You’re not going anywhere...you  
        should recover first.

\\\

The majority of the scenes are set at Hiseok’s place, and Director Lee has chosen to use real locations instead of the studios, because it adds a touch of ‘sincerity’ that is at the basis of his work. Instead of the big dynamic city and its other city within, made of rows of several warehouses and dozens of furnished rooms with the widest range of styles to satisfy every necessity, they’re stuck to a small town nestled on the steep side of a hill and its lack of any social life.

The only familiar faces are those of the crew, but Taehyun usually doesn’t mingle with them so after sharing a beer with the director and some of his closer collaborators (and Kang Seungyoon, he tries to forget), he withdraws to his room every night and there he stays all alone. They have rented a whole motel for the month they’ll be filming, so in place of his trailer styled to appease his tastes, he’s got a room with a small double bed and a couch that can turn in another spare bed if needed. 

That bothers him more than he’s willing to admit. Despite the fact people are usually blind about their own shortcomings, Taehyun is not: he knows he’s irrationally demanding most of the times, but that’s the life of a movie star, and he’s been spoiled since his first appearance on the TV. This time he can’t ask for much more, though. He’s already walking on eggshells, feeling that his situation is precarious and harder than anyone can believe, so he prefers sulking on his own instead of throwing a tantrum to anyone around. He tries to lighten up the atmosphere with his favourite candles, placed in strategic spots of the room. 

Truth to be told, Taehyun can’t really screw this opportunity up, not after he’s been working so hard to obtain this role. No one knows it and no one should know about it until Taehyun feels it’s the right time. When the first announcement of his casting was out, the press talked of how peculiar but fortunate was for Lee Seunghoon to cast Nam Taehyun for his new work. Everyone wondered if Taehyun is trying to challenge himself with such a difficult role, trying to grow out of the idea everyone has of him. All he’s done has always been shadowed by his past as a child actor and working in light-humoured comedies was the natural continuation for him, nothing exactly life-changing or thrilling.

They’re all right. Taehyun wants to challenge himself, but not only for the reasons everyone thinks of. So, it was him asking Director Lee for an audition. He skipped the step of communications through agencies and didn’t tell his manager, and just caught the opportunity after reading the screenplay that everyone deemed too out of his league. 

He didn’t think it would be so difficult, though. Nothing is going as smoothly like he wished it would when he took enough courage to contact Lee Seunghoon and ask for an audition. And it’s all because of Kang Seungyoon, and what he reminds him of. He irks Taehyun more than anything else, more than the tasteless Americano they have in the lounge of this stupid motel, more than his assistant being clueless about his needs and more than the stink of old dust that hovers in the air even if he opens all the windows of his room. It lingers with him, that annoyance, like a lump in his throat that he can’t swallow down. 

 

The first days spent acting together fly away rather quickly, and it almost seems things can be sorted out civilly. Taehyun tries to ignore how everything Seungyoon does makes his guts knot tightly and his limbs shake ever so slightly, all traces of a too recent past he’s trying to modify. It’s still almost too hard for him, because he’s always been scared of changing and it’s easy to fall back into old habits, but there is nothing he can do better than acting indifferent. He’s even gained a few not so nice nicknames for his cold attitude, but that’s what charms a lot of his fans – they call him “gentle soul”, “sensible”, because no one understands the depth of his soul behind his façade – and so they play right into Taehyun’s hands. 

No one knows how painfully hot he can be under that cool appearance. They don’t know: all the anger he has bottled up inside, all the destructive fire that always threatens to flare in his chest, but that he usually keeps at bait until it has burnt all the oxygen he needs for breathing; the intensity of his emotions, scorching like the sun itself. And even more, the hidden root of all his ill intentions, his bad attitude, and the lies he keeps saying to everyone he meets, and especially to himself. 

But Taehyun thinks it’s ok, everyone is fucked up in that industry. Every child actor he knows, at least. It’s just the way it is, growing up in that kind of environment wherein there’s no room for private life, but only eyes constantly set on you. They end up missing out their whole childhood in the blizzard of events, until they grow dependant to that kind of popularity. Either they keep being loved by the public, managing to shift to different roles, or they get stuck in the shadow of their old character they played, the result is still the same: their lives can’t be normal ever again, and they’re more alone that they can imagine. 

So Taehyun keeps his face straight when Seungyoon tries a friendly approach and minds his own business for the first days, following every request Director Lee has and losing himself in his character and his habits. The handmade cigarettes he smokes, his sneakers with holes on its soles, the piles of books he’s stored like they’re part of his furniture, or much more, true protagonist of his apartment.

Hiseok’s place is a four-room flat with a long blue-tiled bathroom, a cosy kitchen that’s been turned in a mess for the filming, and a bedroom with light wood-panelling that clads all the walls in a cold embrace. The last room is too small and poorly lit to be used for shooting, so it has become the storage for required equipment. A winding hallway runs through the apartment, connecting all the rooms. It took just few hours for Taehyun to get used to its pattern, to think of that place like his own. Hiseok’s. 

They filmed the first scene three days ago, with the maximal precaution to get the scene exactly like Director Lee wants it. He’s a perfectionist with a detailed view of his work that can’t be affected by others opinion (besides those of his closest collaborator and screenwriter, Song Mino), so they’re all working to make that happen. Which means specific working hours and a lot of rehearsal before the real scene happens, mostly because the director wants to use precise moments of the day and their peculiar light. 

It’s early in the morning – or late in the night, for Taehyun’s usual owl behaviour – and Taehyun is up only thanks to the strongest cup of coffee he could find at that impossible hour. He doesn’t feel at his best because he couldn’t sleep well last night, between worry and vex. He’s sure they haven’t practiced enough for this scene, but he and Seungyoon don’t get along well enough to easily do this kind of thing, and Taehyun knows it’s all his doing.

His eyes stop on Seungyoon’s figure, lying in Hiseok’s bed. The duvet covers his chin, but the stain of dry fake blood is still visible. There is something inside Taehyun that tears him away from that picture, and pushes him to seek the solitude of a dark corner in the hallway. 

They call him five minutes later for the scene. Seungyoon is lying in the bed just like before, eyes closed and lips slightly parted, and for a moment Taehyun thinks he’s sleeping for real. Few seconds later the camera starts rolling and he forgets about his drowsiness and his perplexities. He sits on the chair next to his bed, upper body slightly stooping, and stares at Jaehyun for a long while.

After what seems like ages to Taehyun, Jaehyun finally opens his eyes. It takes him some instants to register where he is and to see Hiseok, but when he does his arms go up to cover his chest. Hiseok notices the shaking of his hands and his questioning stare, and beneath it a primordial fear of anything foreign. 

“Good morning”, he talks slowly, gingerly. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to think he’s going to hurt him, but at the same time he won’t hide the truth. “I am the man who found you lying half-dead in a playground nearby…”

They keep acting for a little longer before the director stops them and calls Taehyun to his side. He’s not even that surprised to know he’s not doing well, so he rushes up to the director. 

Song Mino talks first, using a munched pen to point at the screenplay: “There is something missing. This man – Hiseok – he’s curious about Jaehyun more than anything else. Who is he? A penniless musician? A punk that fights every night after getting drunk? Why did they beat him so hard, with no mercy? Hiseok thinks there is more, you know, maybe he sees himself in Jaehyun or he thinks he’s been beaten for a reason no one would expect at first. There is a story behind him and Hiseok lives for stories, more than for humans”, he explains while the director nods his head approvingly. 

Then he’s the one speaking: “I want to see that curiosity underneath the gentleness he shows to Jaehyun. Hiseok is not a bad person, but he’s not a good one either. He wants something from Jaehyun, he is attracted to this person in a way that’s not only for common reasons… it’s like he can’t explain it. It’s something instinctual. And it all starts from his cravings: he wants Jaehyun’s story”. 

Taehyun knows what kind of character Hiseok is; after all, he has lost himself in those pages of paper and ink, in his words and his actions, and the way he’ll bring them to life. Both the screenwriter and director have a point, so he promptly excuses himself for his poor execution and goes back to the empty chair by the bed.

“Just do it the way you feel it’s right, I’ll follow you”, Seungyoon surprises him with a sheepish smile, ready to put behind the bad start between them, but Taehyun just winces at that and he can see it turns Seungyoon’s smile in a tight unsatisfied line. 

They shoot the same scene few times because Taehyun can’t get it quite right (it’s just that it’s the first scene they film together and it makes him feel rather nauseous). Seungyoon is not as welcoming as before, but that doesn’t change the way he acts with Taehyun. Even a biased judgement like Taehyun’s can’t deny how much they click, the chemistry they have as soon as they’re their characters and not themselves. So, despite the frustration of doing such a simple scene over and over again, it feels a lot better doing it with Seungyoon, because he truly follows him in every moment. It doesn’t feel like he’s acting alone, like he’s having a monologue – that can happen with some actors so untalented that a log wouldn’t be more inexpressive – but like he’s having a true conversation made of words and gestures. 

That’s not something Taehyun will admit at loud, though, so when Seungyoon utters few words of satisfaction for finally completing the scene, he looks away and sighs in tiredness. He still feels nauseous, trembling from head to toe with stress and a mix of emotions he can’t describe.

He lets out a small surprised gasp when Seungyoon grabs his arm and drags him to the hallway, where there is little privacy but still more than the previous room. “What are you doing”, Taehyun whispers, pushing his hand away with his own. Unlike him, Seungyoon doesn’t seem bewildered by his action.

“Let me ask you one question”, Seungyoon says and it’s clear he’s pissed off. “You don’t seem to enjoy this movie this much, maybe you just wanted to work with this director because of his fame, or maybe you have some other reason I don’t know. But it seems pretty obvious that you don’t like doing this – why did you pick this movie if you hate it so much? Are you even enjoying it?”

Taehyun feels a flush of rage coming to his face and for a moment he thinks he’ll see red. He tries to ignore his question, but Seungyoon’s eyes are pinned on him with an insistency he can’t disregard. It feels like he’s caged right between the wall behind him and him, unable to find a way through with his usual cold treatment. There is only fire left for him...

“I hate people like you. Not only you’re a whore, you’re a faggot too”.

The words resonate in the dark narrow hallway: horrible, cruel, they hurt Taehyun as much as Seungyoon. He can’t believe he said them, not at loud, not when anyone can hear. He notices Seungyoon’s face getting pale in shock and that’s something he doesn’t want to see. Despite what he has done, he is not able to bear looking at the anger morphing his features, so Taehyun turns around and runs away. _It’s easier to run._

He looks for a place where to hide, like a pray being chased. When he reaches the bathroom and locks the door, he staggers to the WC and throws away the coffee he drank. His nails dig in the flesh of his palms so hard they bleed, but he can’t feel a thing. He’s wheezing and tears are welling at the corners of his eyes, for the anxiety and the intensity of emotions inside him. 

He knows he’s still too fucked up to make all of this work. It’s still too early for him. His past self is just too rooted in him to be eradicated so easily, and he’s bound to make the same mistakes over and over again.

It’s just that it irks him. _Kang Seungyoon_ irks him. More than anything else in this damned small town and this movie production. He and everything he represents. Seungyoon is a constant reminder of things he hates and shouldn’t hate, of nights spent in front of his laptop and regrets drowning him afterwards. A memento of all his lies and the years wasted denying himself.

He’s a vice he can’t escape and at the same time a truth he can’t yet face.

\\\

He has a platinum membership with a fake name on it and a secret code he remembers by heart, even if he would deny it till death. He knows exactly where to click, without surfing the whole website, because despite not being able to admit it, he has favourites like everyone else.

He’s elated when he sees the notification of a new video on his inbox (he has subscribed to his channel a long time ago, after spending his free time to find something that would suit his tastes). Even when there is nothing new to watch, his hands are trained to lead him to his channel once more, for a sure result. 

He opens the video with expectation, every time. And that’s when Cherry Bosco enters the screen – Taehyun couldn’t help the laugh the first time he heard the name, and along with it several typical insults that go from imaginative to plainly denigrating – and Taehyun’s breath gets laboured. 

He is not new to girls and he doesn’t have trouble finding a one night stand. Right now, he actually has a perfect girlfriend that’s well known to the public for her sweet manners, yet she’s also considered hot and tempting, just the perfect balance every man apparently seeks in a woman. And Taehyun knows every curve of her body like they were his, just as much as he knows how to bring a woman to pleasure. 

He’s not insensitive in bed, despite all the infamous rumours about his lack of passion. He’s used to the softness of a breast in his big hands and the sweaty scent of a woman, caught in between her nape and long hair. He’s used to the wet and warm tightness around his length, the nails digging in his back. Being carnal is pleasurable, he forces himself to think, but nothing turns him on like _him_. 

It’s his red lips, temptations he can’t ignore. The stretch of wet redness around an erection, the curve of the smallest smile when someone makes him chuckle, the way they locks around other lips, and get swollen and darker, just like ripe cherries. 

Taehyun won’t say it but he has been browsing that website for a while, and nothing is comparable to Cherry Bosco. There is something in him that just hits him in the guts, and coils around his insides like barbed wire, hurting and gnawing, but at the same time awakening him in his entirety. It fires him like no one else. 

He does. Burns him limb by limb, leaving nothing but ashes. He, in his naked glory made of long legs he would bite and milky skin he would mark, red skinny hands that would fit around him like no other cloth, and cherry lips that would be wet and scorching against his skin.

It takes only one instant to make Taehyun all worked up. The guy bends in the video, his legs open, and Taehyun is almost sad the focus of the camera is on his ass when he’d die to see the red on his cheeks. 

It feels like running against time, when his hand slides under his briefs. He’s already hard at the thought of him, and his fingers fold around his shaft like they always do. It’s all rushed and intensified – Cherry moans in his ears, lascivious – and there is a moment when he’s conflicted between the need to reach the peak and the wish to let this instant last longer, for the sensation he can experience only before the end.

He comes hard, white, his mind dizzy and lost in the thought of him. Everything feels right in that short span of time, at ease. He has time to breathe, his panting short and rough. And after that, when his conscious self awakes again, the self-loathing comes. Each time a little harder, like cold water dousing every smallest inch of elation and satisfaction in him. 

Even if he was born this way, this is not something he can accept. It’s the thing he hates the most in the world, that side of himself, much more than the reason behind all that anger. 

When he was six, he was too young to see and understand why his mother was so eager to make him take the main role of that TV show, when there were more pressuring things to care about. He earned his first money and started gaining popularity, but everything was a pale illusion in comparison to the reality of what he was losing day by day.

He didn’t understand why his dad left his family like that, without even saying goodbye to his sons. He had been the meaning to his whole life, the reason the world went on and Taehyun lived. Now he was the first cause for a sadness Taehyun could not explain with words. He feared it was his fault, and that he was now left alone, with no one to look up to… even more, he was scared of a world without his dad, of a family that wasn’t his family anymore, and a life that wasn’t Taehyun’s any longer. 

He kept acting because his mom wanted him to, putting all of himself in what made her happy.

When he was twelve he found out – one of the few days he was at home instead of being on the set – what kind of monster his dad was. Taehyun had entered their house without making any noise and hadn’t announced himself when he heard his mother and his aunt whispering over a cup of makgeolli. Sometimes Taehyun wishes he had made some sort of noise, so that he’d still be ignorant of the truth.

But he hadn’t, and the women kept talking. He didn’t listen at first, yet something turned on his curiosity, a sentence – “he’s living with a man, some of your old neighbours saw them… he’s wearing all sort of clothes, looking like a woman. You did well to push him away”.

Taehyun can’t remember what else he heard – maybe that his dad was happy, after all, and so was his mother, so there was no one to blame – but he can remember the first time anger wrapped its claws around his neck, suffocating him.

No one could know about it. For the press his father was gone a long time ago, and Taehyun was still sad about it, burned by the pressure of now being the head and breadwinner of the family. But that was the end of this tragic story, everyone had praised his brave nature and cheered up on him.

No one wanted to know what it really felt like to be the main protagonist of that story. No one knew the true pain and the fear he had been through for all those years, feeling like something was missing from him for so long. And now that he knew it wasn’t his fault at all, everyone ignored the anger that was consuming him, as well as his need of normalcy. They couldn’t see it turning every inch of love into hate, and bringing him to the verge of a breakdown. 

Taehyun forced himself to live in a way it would reaffirm he was a true man, so he wouldn’t let his family down. But despite all of that, he couldn’t help but look for him in every shabby corner of their city, taking bus after bus, headphones on his ears and eyes wandering on the streets in search of his dad. Sometimes he was almost sure it was him, just right under those woman’s clothes, hidden by long black locks and make-up. Taehyun felt a tug inside his heart, a sense of familiarity that suddenly disappeared when he realized it wasn’t him at all.

So after the climax ends and he softens in his hand, he gives room to hate. He turns off the pc, sometimes he throws it away, when a fit takes him. It doesn’t matter. He punches the wall and screams and breaks things down, because he’s fucked up that way, and there is no way to make him any better. 

And he seeks for normality, for a good blonde model to fuck, and two motherly arms to hug him.

\\\

“Can you believe Nam fucking Taehyun is a homophobe?”, Seungyoon blurts out all at once, feeling slightly nauseous at that notion. He’s back in his motel room, nestled in his big bed by the window, and when he cranes his neck he can see the sunlight tinging the edge of the wood about in a bright hue. He whispers by then: “He openly insulted me today, you know”. Saying it at loud makes it realer and Seungyoon looks away from the sun.

He can hear Jinwoo bumping into something on the other side of the line, scolding the kitty that made him stumble. “I always thought he was an asshole – well, that’s what I think of everyone who is more famous than me – but not this much of an asshole”. 

Despite being upset by the whole situation, Seungyoon can’t help but feeling a little better and smiles against the phone. “I thought you said he was hot”.

“That was before him being an asshole. He is hot, though, at least for you. I remember how quiet you were about it when I asked and that’s always a good sign”. Seungyoon grimaces in silence, Jinwoo giggles. “You know what they say of those people… they are the gayest of them all, just living their closet experience at its worst”.

“That’s some fucked up vision. This is not a romantic drama, Jinwoo hyung! There is no rude male lead changing attitude thanks to his lady (after a good amount of insults and dragging, by the way), only Nam Taehyun being unbearable”. 

Seungyoon can bet Jinwoo just mumbled a “you never know” at the back of his throat, but what he says at loud makes much more sense. “So you hate him. I mean, you should. Totally”.

“You don’t sound really convinced”.

“You don’t, too”. Seungyoon hesitates and Jinwoo keeps talking: “It’s not the first asshole in your life and sadly not your last. I would totally understand if you hated him, especially if he treated you badly just because of what you are. We usually just make fun of them, calling them a bore in need of a fuck in their ass – you can do the same with him and just never see him again after this movie ends”.

“I should. Hate him entirely. You don’t know what he told me… hearing right to my face it’s different from reading it on a magazine”.

“But you can’t”. The moment of seriousness is broken by Jinwoo squealing at his kitty, but it lasts only few instants. “Why?”

Seungyoon wavers, trying to understand his reason completely. He sighs into his hand, looking outside the window: the last touch of saturated pink is gone and the sky is turning in a darker shade of blue. “I am a good guy?”

“Yes, we should make you saint. Saint Cherry Bosco, protector of the adult movie actors”. 

Seungyoon tries not to laugh but he can’t help it, once more. “It’s just that… I am upset, I swear I am. And I am so not gonna let him forget about it. But more than hating, I’m curious. There is something bugging me and I can’t ignore that just to blindly hate on him”, Seungyoon’s fingers tap on the glass of the window and he decides to open it. A gust of chill air welcomes him. “For some reason, I feel like he hates me. I, Kang Seungyoon. Like it’s personal. And I can’t understand why?”

“You’re his co-star and he’s sick of seeing the personification of gayness in front of his eyes all day long?”, Jinwoo sounds like those times he mulls over his favourite dramas for days. “Or maybe you’ve known each other since you were kids but you forgot about it and he’s totally broken-hearted”.

“Stop suggesting things that can’t be real. But let’s use our brain for once: sure, he could be a homophobe, the worst kind of it… why would he even do this kind of movie? Did he go nuts? It’s not as simple as it looks, there must be an ulterior motive. More than hating… he’s a loner, did you know? He doesn’t interact with others so easily. Yes, you could say it’s his diva act because he’s famous and all, but I don’t think it’s the case. I think he’s scared, maybe of me, or maybe he’s pissed, I don’t know. But I’ve noticed the way he closes up as soon as people are around, and when I ask him something difficult, he reacts like this. Isn’t that what people call some defensive behaviour? How can I hate him?”

“You’re totally taking his side on this, I can’t believe. How many hours did you speculate on this theory? And you’re the one who used to nag me when I lose too much time on a drama. And that’s all speculation, oh dear, Kang Seungyoon… you’re being the romantic one here, wake up”, Jinwoo finally says without malice, almost sounding like he finds all of this quite amusing. 

“I’m not! I’m just curious and slightly pissed he vented it all out on me. I am the living proof that people are always more than they look, right? Just because others tend to judge me without knowing me, I shouldn’t do the same to them… it took me so much to be here, you know that”.

“And you just can’t hate him”. Jinwoo is clearly teasing him in his usual affectionate way.

“No, I can’t. Not until I know for sure”.

The sky is almost deep blue now, the first stars looming above the wood. They are not in such an isolated spot of land, but the air is still clearer here than in the city and if it’s a good day you can see the Milky Way. Seungyoon ends the call with his eyes on a sparkling Venus and gets up without even thinking too much about it.

He promised Song Mino they would have a bottle of bear together after dinner, but it’s early enough to walk for a bit. He puts on his jeans jacket and goes out, the chill air shaking him out of the state of stupor he’s been after the call. He wanders in the narrow streets of this town, the yellow halo of streetlamps accompanying his steps.

After everything he and Jinwoo have discusses today, it’s natural for Seungyoon to think back to what he’s been through in the past years. It’s almost with bittersweet pleasure that he thinks of all the adversities he has faced and topped, and in a certain way this is just another one to add to that list. 

Seungyoon has always been rather smart and quick-minded, in a serious and righteous way that usually pissed off others when he was younger. He could easily succeed at school, but that gave him no pleasure; what he sought was recognition and acceptance, but he wasn’t made for joining the gang of cool kids at school, so after a while he drifted apart from that goal. He found himself without a dream of any sort, no passion, nothing that would quench the naturally human desire of having something for themselves.

In the frenetic search of finding himself, one thing stood out. A sunbae asked him a favour because they needed an extra for a local CF and Seungyoon ended up playing the part and liking it. It came to him just as naturally as study did, but it brought an additional satisfaction that wasn’t there with the former. 

He started hanging around with those people, working on local advertisement and short clips. Seungyoon was tall enough to look good on camera and had a naturally clean and soft beauty that needed just a little styling to be perfected. He knew all he needed was a breakthrough to aspire to something more than that small circle in his hometown, but even if he worked hard he wasn’t sure how to achieve it.

That’s when troubles started, and his life took a twist he didn’t expect. He was making little money with the occasional roles he found and he knew he should have done more, but he didn’t figure the amount of debt his household had until his mother had a breakdown on him. She used to be his pillar of gentle quiet strength, standing by his side and rooting for him with a tenacity that made Seungyoon’s heart melt, but now she was too obsessed with the thought of dying under the weight of that shame to be her strong self.

Seungyoon knew an easy way to make money, something he had slighted earlier because it wasn’t what he really wanted to do. This time, Seungyoon thought that accepting the offer was not such a bad idea. It was something many did at the beginning of their career, when in need of money. If it came up later, it would bring unnecessary backlash but nothing that would kill off his career entirely.

It was just a provocative shooting, nothing more. Modelling. Seungyoon remembers he didn’t even feel nervous when he took off his shirt, there wasn’t much that would make his heart sway. He followed the photographer’s requests, hour after hour, skin exposed and body bent in unnatural angles. He also remembers him growing restless as time passed, knowing there was a pair of stranger eyes on him, too intense to ignore like the flicking ones of others. He wasn’t an assistant of any sort, by the way the photographer chatted with him, so he was there without an obvious reason, but it felt like he was there just to stare at him. 

Seungyoon can’t still explain what he and Woo Jiho had. It’s not something that makes sense to him, nothing rational or easy to categorize. He knows it burnt him more than he wished, leaving scars on him whether it was for the best or not, shaping him like no one else did in his life. 

Every moment together was like a slightly-off scene of a movie, from their first encounter to the first time they had sex. Everything was work for Jiho, even the times they were together, always finding the best angle, the best way of filming, the best way they would look when standing next to each other, as much as when they were tangled in bed. 

And when he asked Seungyoon if he wanted to do a demo – for money, of course, he had a natural talent, he would be perfect on camera – Seungyoon accepted it. Yes, he needed the money, but it was Jiho making the difference, convincing him in ways no one else could. It was his eyes, maybe. The way they looked at him like he was not just Seungyoon, but something still to discover. 

It really came out better than Seungyoon expected. Jiho’s filming made him attractive, hotter, the protagonist of someone else’s wet dream. Seungyoon even wondered if it was really him the one on the screen, because that person didn’t act like him at all. He exuded a sensuality that made his throat dry. 

It was something that would sell well, Jiho told him. One of his best works for sure, but it would keep it in his personal collection unless Seungyoon wanted it to go viral. 

Seungyoon doesn’t regret that choice. He didn’t know he had it him, but he truly enjoyed that job for few years. It wasn’t just for the money, even if the success of his first clip tempted Seungyoon to do more. He liked it at first, the way he would appear on screen, the easiness he felt with the camera around, Jiho’s way to capture him in each frame… it all lasted for a while, until he and Jiho drifted apart and he started working with other directors.

That’s when he realized he had lost focus on what he wanted. Now it was too late to regret, but not for trying again, even it would be harder to obtain it. He’s never been someone who gives up easily, so he walks a little steadier as he finds that kind of resolution in him once more.

When he reaches the motel he goes to the backyard instead of his room. There are few benches around a small patio, but what draws him is the wood at its border. It’s dark and intriguing, wind softly threading through the foliage and whispering in a language he doesn’t know. The night is ripe enough to show an ocean of stars above.

A shiver runs down his spine and Seungyoon turns around, sensing a pair of eyes on him. Somebody is watching: there is a shadow at a window on the first floor, just few rooms away from his own, and he feels he knows exactly who he is.

Later on, he’s surprised to see Taehyun sitting at the table with the director and his collaborators. He thought he would hide tonight, too coward to face him, but he is not and Seungyoon welcomes the provocation by sitting in the empty spot next to him. Taehyun slightly shifts away from him but doesn’t say anything.

They both stay silent for a while, listening to the bubbly Song Mino and his ridiculous antics. Seungyoon eats quietly, with no hurry, as the first round of beer reaches their table. He sees Taehyun downing his pint with a sort of impatience that must be one of his most peculiar traits, fingers clinging around the dimpled glass.

It amuses him, but upsets him at the same time. Something dark stirs inside him, the need to put him on the edge once more, to see another glimpse of his sincerity. It pushes his body forward, a little closer to him, his head leaning against Taehyun’s. He almost whispers in his ear. “So, why did you choose this movie? The real reason”.

Taehyun’s stare is full of grudges. “Mind your fucking business”.

\\\

    INT. HISEOK’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    Jaehyun and Hiseok are sitting on the couch, watching some TV show. There is sexual  
    tension in the air, stolen glances between them, Jaehyun keeps worrying his bottom lip.  
    Hiseok stops watching the TV to stare at Jaehyun for a long while, his expression changing  
    with time. 

                JAEHYUN  
            (turning his face to  
            Hiseok)  
       &nbspAre you gonna kiss me or not?

    Hiseok holds back a chuckle, mesmerized by Jaehyun. His hand hooks around his neck and he  
    leans in the kiss. Jaehyun clings on him, they shift on the couch so that he can crawl on  
    Hiseok’s lap. Hiseok’s hands fumble, settling on the small of his back. Jaehyun bites his  
    lips... Hiseok pins him down on the couch, they kiss harder, wrestling... Hiseok falls  
    from the couch and drags Jaehyun with him, both laughing of sheer happiness. Still  
    smiling, Jaehyun pulls his shirt away and then climbs on Hiseok. He bends to kiss his neck  
    and Hiseok tenses under him, growing bashfully quiet. He cups Jaehyun’s face...

                HISEOK  
            (whispering)  
        Come a little closer.

\\\

Shooting a movie never follows a strictly chronological rule: instead of one flowing story, it’s more of a succession of scenes that gets edited post-production. It might sound absurd to outsiders, but Seungyoon has acted all his scenes a thousand times, memorizing each line and with it the way he would move, feel, express, so that the whole movie is part of him. Yet it’s true that usually the chemistry between actors gets better with time, so even if the viewers won’t be able to notice it, there will be a change in the way those two work together as time passes and they get used to each other. Seungyoon wishes it was the case with them, too.

Actually, since their first scene together it’s been natural for him to act along with Taehyun, replying and reacting to even the smallest shift in his voice or posture. It’s something they’ve never pointed out at loud, not even joked around – they’re not on good terms, after all – but Seungyoon can sense Taehyun is well aware of that, by the way his eyes warm up with acknowledgment and understanding. 

And it’s the way it is, with them tiptoeing around each other, and Seungyoon sometimes bothering Taehyun with the same old question, trying to get something out of him, and Taehyun distancing himself even more, withdrawing in an inner place that no one can reach. At least, that’s it until the roles they’re playing start to get intimate. That’s when Taehyun stiffens and his acting becomes lousy, in a way Seungyoon can’t follow. 

It’s deep in the night and they’re filming the sex scene, or at least attempting to. There are many shots to take, close ups of their kisses, cut-ins to their hands and some other angle the director wants to use, but they’re still stuck on the main scene. It’s a wide shot that will engage the whole scene, from them watching the TV to them falling on the floor and so on. 

Seungyoon has pictured that scene in his mind so many times, he knows what his character would do, the way he would think it’s finally time to be happy again, how he would react to Hiseok. It’s not something they have rehearsed with Taehyun enough, though, and the director isn’t happy at all with the results. Or the lack of them.

This time, Seungyoon can see through him when they’re acting, and there is something holding him back enough to make Hiseok fade into Taehyun too easily. Normally, he would just talk to him, drag him to a quiet corner and nudge him until he speaks his mind, but Taehyun is not his friend or any of his old colleagues. He’s almost no one to Seungyoon, just his co-star for this month of shooting. 

His silences are a mystery to Seungyoon, as much as his few words and the look in his eyes. He has access only to his mask, the temperamental ways he carries himself, but that’s it. And that’s when Taehyun starts becoming more than _“just his co-star”_ , because Seungyoon wants to know way more than that. 

Sometimes he thinks he’s wronging his dream now that he’s one step away from achieving it, because he can’t stop focusing on Taehyun, and then he realizes how much he’s affected by him, not only when they’re acting together. Taehyun stays much longer, as if Seungyoon has soaked himself in his essence the whole day, and there is nothing he can do to wash away the scent; it clings on him like a second skin. It lives inside him, like an obsession. 

“You know”, Seungyoon clears his throat, they’re sitting on the couch where they’re supposed to kiss tonight, the camera isn’t rolling and Director Lee is having a warm tea to calm his nerves. “I’m kind of an expert in this. Well, of course you know”. It’s awkward and so silly and Seungyoon just wants to punch himself for feeling this way, when he should be angered by the fact they’re probably wasting a day of shooting just for this.

“Everyone knows. Probably my grandmother too”, Taehyun retorts with bite.

“Yeah. Anyway. I can help you. This is not the worst I’ve seen”. There have been plenty of challenging situations for him, so he’s sure he would easily guide him through this. 

Taehyun finally looks at him. That’s not what Seungyoon wants to see, a look of revulsion and conceit. It takes him few moments to speak and when he does he sounds breathless. “It wouldn’t be a problem at all if it wasn’t for you”.

The seriousness of his tone hits him like cold water, and Seungyoon finds himself upset already. He doesn’t regret his words. “You’re the problem right now. If you eased up a little and stopped stiffing at every move, we would get through this in no time. You should stop overreacting”.

Taehyun tenses up at that and looks away, his bottom lip trembling as he’s shaken by something that resembles anger. Seungyoon realises it’s the first time they’re actually talking for more than few instants, and it’s also the first time Taehyun doesn’t storm off as soon as possible. “It’s you. _You_ are the problem. I can’t act with you like this”.

Seungyoon swallows down the urge to say things he won’t mean at the end of the day and tries to change tactic. “If you worry about kisses, I can promise it’s the same. Well, many people say it is different, but it’s all in their mind. Lips are lips all the same… You should be able to differentiate. It’s all about the role you’re playing, and Hiseok wants it. You should know it more than anyone else, how Hiseok is, the way he would act in a situation like this one”.

Taehyun doesn’t look at him the whole time he’s talking and shrugs his shoulders in the end, like that’s nothing he should worry about. He stays silent, but Seungyoon can feel by the way his body is tensed up, distant from his even in the small space of a couch, that there is something bothering him, something he has no idea about. 

The director interrupts them before Taehyun replies, asking them if they’re finally ready for the scene, and Seungyoon doesn’t have the heart to say otherwise. They act from the start, the TV playing in the background as they literally pretend to be interested in the film on the screen. Everything goes smoothly until Jaehyun asks Hiseok if he’s going to kiss him: Taehyun halts, wavers a little too longer before leaning in, the magic is broken. It feels fake, at once. 

They redo the whole scene, and this time Taehyun doesn’t hesitate like before. He leans to kiss him but it feels all wrong, once more. All the happiness Hiseok should have is replaced by knotted confusion and bottled-up emotions, and where there should be sunshine and smiles there is obscure misunderstanding. 

Seungyoon breaks the kiss before the director tells them to stop, sensing it’s not the way it should be. He looks at Taehyun, searching his eyes, but they’re hidden by his fringe. He doesn’t know if he can risk touching him, so his hands grab on his shirt instead of his arms, trying to get his attention. “What’s wrong with you? Why is it so hard, it’s not like you haven’t kissed before”.

“I told you. _You are the problem_ ”, Taehyun mutters spiteful, before getting up and going away.

 

Although he got used to the messy schedule and unhealthy sleep hours, it’s impossible for Seungyoon to doze off that night. It’s been hours since Taehyun ran away from the set, but he can’t stop overthinking about everything he said and did, and worrying about what the director told him afterwards.

“I think something is going on between the two of you”, Director Lee was unmerciful and on point, like always. “Whatever issue you have, you two work it out. We’re not in kindergarten and I’m not your teacher, you’re both pros. You know one day of production is fucking expensive, so I’m not tolerating any more shit. Just talk about it or do whatever you need to do to make it work by tomorrow!”

After tossing and turning for a while, Seungyoon decides he won’t endure this any longer, and ends up walking to the reception to ask if they’ve seen Nam Taehyun. It turns out he’s been in his room since he came back two hours ago.

Seungyoon doesn’t know what he truly expects when he walks to his room – number 108 – but he’s surely nervous to find out and it takes him a while to knock on his door. It’s too late when he realizes Taehyun might be sleeping like any normal person would do at that hour and maybe waking him up in the middle of the night is not the best way to pacify him. He motions to walk away, but stops because the knob is already turning and that's how few instants later Taehyun opens his door and faces him. 

Taehyun’s eyes are red and swollen, his hair isn’t perfectly styled as usual but messy like a bird nest, in a somehow endearing and hot way, and his lips are red almost like for bleeding. His clothes are as untidy as the rest. “It’s 3 am, you fucker”, he hisses.

“You’re awake, _fucker_ ”.

Taehyun covers most of the view on his room but Seungyoon can see there is chaos around: bedsheets are on the floor and there is a broken lamp lying on the bed. “You’ve been wild”, he jokes, just because he’s clearly unprepared for the situation. He wishes he could read Taehyun’s mind but the guy won’t let him. “Do people like you do whatever they want all the time?”

“Don’t beat around the bush too much”, Taehyun replies angrily. “Just tell me the fuck you want so I can go back to sleep”.

Seungyoon wonders what kind of sleep involves breaking half the furniture of a motel room but doesn’t inquire. “So you really do whatever you want. You decide what the best for you is and ignore any other instance. You might be here because they casted you for your fame, but that’s not my case. I really care about this project, way more than you can imagine. I don’t care if you despise me, insult me, tread on me – I can endure it all. But we’re both working here, it’s not time for games. You can’t avoid that scene any longer. The director told me to fix it between us, so I’m gonna do it”.

Taehyun scoffs at him, his hand squeezing the door he’s holding open. Instead of evident mockery, there is something hard in that expression, something almost scaring. Seungyoon wonders if he’s prying on something he shouldn’t, if he should close his eyes to that for once, instead of insisting on knowing. But he’s not somebody who easily gets scared.

“I’m not going anywhere until you promise me it’ll work. We can even rehearse, if needed, I’ll help you. I can’t sleep anyway, I better use my time like this”.

Taehyun sighs at loud, his eyes shifting from his face to his feet. Seungyoon notices the nervousness in his features, the way his shoulders tense and his fingers turn white around the doorframe. He’s still not talking, either because he thinks he’s above all of this or because it doesn’t come easy at all. “You think so?”, he says in the end, defiance in his voice. “Do you really think I don’t give a shit about all of this? That I would endure all of this out of a whim?”

“No”, Seungyoon replies with no doubt, even if he knows nothing and that’s all part of his suppositions. If Jinwoo was here he would be kicking his ass, but there is something raw in the way Taehyun looks that’s never been there before, a broken side of him that’s never been as obvious as now and Seungyoon just needs to know. “So, why are you doing all of this?”

It almost looks like he would speak. Seungyoon can see the struggle on his face, the doubt crossing his mind. But it’s just an instant, because the next one he’s back to his usual cold appearance and this time he sounds definitive. “It’s all because of you. With any another actor it would have been different. It’s just _who_ you are, I can’t forget about that”.

Seungyoon is still too dazed to fully comprehend his words but his body is swifter than his mind, so he stops Taehyun from closing the door right on his face. A foot as leverage, he pushes his whole body forward to open the door, and when the short struggle ends he lurches inside, almost stumbling on something on the floor. 

The mess he saw from outside looks worse from this point of view, like a burglar has tossed everything upside down and destroyed some things in the process. He didn’t notice the candles earlier, but their scent is too intoxicating to ignore. Seungyoon is not sure of what he should say, if he should talk at all, so he ends up asking the most obvious of questions. “What happened here?”

“You shouldn’t be here, you should get out”, Taehyun grabs his arm and tries to drag him outside, but Seungyoon fights him and pushes his back against the door, closing it behind. He clutches a fistful of his shirt and jerks at his collar so that Taehyun won’t be able to move without eventually choking.

“What the fuck happened here?”, he sounds harsher now, and Taehyun winces once more, but this time he doesn’t look scaring at all. There is something whiny and childlike in the way he pouts and furrows his brow, and that warms up Seungyoon’s heart the most. He just has no idea how to handle Taehyun at all, but there is a pull in him that draws him too much to pay no attention to it.

Taehyun doesn’t look at him and Seungyoon forcibly grips his chin to raise his face and meet his eyes. “Tell me, I won’t judge”.

“Why you must be so… you should hate me, just the way I hate you”. He whispers, his hands fisting around Seungyoon’s sides. “So it would be fair, wouldn’t it?”

“I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted. I didn’t when you insulted me, I won’t now. I just want to know why you did all of this – the film, this mess, everything – you can just talk, and I’ll listen”.

“I don’t wanna. Never wanted to talk”. He worries his lips, his fists clamping around him a little more. He still doesn’t look at him, his eyes are now closed, and his voice is shaking just as if he’s forcing himself to not cry. “I thought ignoring you would be the best choice, just… surviving until the last day. But you’re a constant reminder of everything I’ve done, I can’t look at the other way and forget about it”.

There is a minute of silence and Seungyoon wonders if he should say something, anything, to keep him going, but Taehyun precedes him. He finally meets his stare, swallowing hard. It’s clear this is requiring all the self-control he has in his body, because his face is twisted unnaturally and his fists are just like claws digging in his sides. “I was the one picking this role. No one casted me because of my name, I auditioned like any other person. But it’s true I asked for a favour to the director, I – this role matters way more than you think to me”.

Seungyoon finds himself speechless. He pulls at his shirt to busy himself, gulping down a lump he didn’t know he had in his throat. “So, why did you pick this role? Out of many challenging characters you could play... if you wanted your career to take a twist, you could have just chosen some action movie, you know”.

Taehyun makes a small nod of acknowledgment. It’s really too hard for him to talk, to say it at loud, because he sighs and tries to speak but stops himself too many times.

“Do you hate me this much?”, another nod, “because I don’t think you do… I think you’re just afraid – of what, I don’t know. Of me? I promise, I don’t bite”. That makes Taehyun grin and Seungyoon feels he’s finally starting to win him. “Is honesty that scary?”

Taehyun grips at his sides once more, so hard it hurts, but Seungyoon doesn’t complain. He just can’t pull himself out of this now, he would let him do anything he wanted just to know what’s going on his mind. He wouldn’t care, as long as Taehyun talked to him. Seungyoon now knows how deep he’s in it.

Taehyun closes his eyes, swallows hard, bites his bottom lip once again. It almost looks like he’ll be stuck forever in his own silence, like no matter what Seungyoon says or does, he won’t be able to talk at all. But he surprises him again, and again. “I wanted to do it. More than ever. For you, what matters is not the role, you just want to change profession, any movie would do... but for me, it’s this movie and no others”.

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to do... something I could relate to, just for once”, he shakes his head, grimacing. He utters those words like he’s spitting some sort of evil. “Play someone like me”. 

Something changes in him, like saying it at loud would be enough to set him free from whatever he’s keeping him this way, and Taehyun looks at him with a sincerity that’s never been there, clear of any other emotion. Seungyoon can’t stop his mind from processing his words and blurts out his question without thinking any further.

\\\

“Are you gay?”, he asks, like it’s the easiest thing to say. For Taehyun is not, at all, and he stares at him for the longest second, eyeing at his puzzled face and his fingers wrapped around his shirt. He kept pulling at it for the whole time, just as much Taehyun dug his hands in his sides.

He is gay, of course he is. That’s something he can’t deny no matter how much he wants, no matter how hard he tries to be otherwise. There is no girl who “will make you go back to the right path”, no salvation of any sort, no cure, nothing at all. It’s just the way he is and will always be.

But he doesn’t say that to Seungyoon. He’s still surprised he’s gone to such a length to understand him, like he is genuinely curious about him, and even if this angers Taehyun immensely, it warms him up in a way he never thought possible. He has never seen such sincerity in a pair of eyes, never heard so much care in plain spoken words.

Until now, all around him has been untruthful: a golden lie people will love, sustained by fake relationships that left him cold on the outside but dangerously angry on the inside. All the love and caring he has received and given was just another of those lies. There was no substance behind it.

But the person who could easily despise him for how what he did is now standing in front of him to know the truth. His own story, and nothing else. Not about “Nam Taehyun the child actor”, or any funny anecdote of his first role, or that time he acted along one of the legends of the cinema. Just about him, Nam Taehyun. 

Taehyun wants to throw a fit just because. It’s the normal way to deal with things, for him, destroying everything around him as he deconstructs himself every day. But Seungyoon’s hands are warm against his chest and his eyes are asking for this piece of sincerity he can’t speak of, and Taehyun doesn’t exactly know how but he ends up kissing him.

It’s not a surprise Seungyoon doesn’t respond at first and Taehyun pulls away just after few seconds, more confused than before. “I’m–”

He doesn’t finish because Seungyoon engages him in another kiss, and this time it’s a real one: lips warm against his ones, his tongue probes around, asking for entrance. Taehyun lets him, and he finds it’s easier than he ever imagined. 

He melts against the doorframe, his hands clinging on his back as Seungyoon nibbles at his lip. This is how it should be between them, Taehyun thinks as he gasps between kisses, it’s much easier when they put aside any pretence and let their bodies speak for themselves.

He threads his fingers in his hair, the other hand pushing him closer against him. Seungyoon naturally slips a leg between his, grinding against his hard-on as he leaves a wet trace on his jaw. Taehyun can’t even think of how shameful all of this is, for him to feel this turned on with just preliminaries, because he feels too lightheaded to even care.

He is not sure what makes him talk, but he whispers against his ear anyway: “I’ve spent so much time imagining this, I can’t believe it’s happening for real”. And Seungyoon understands, a small victorious grin warming up his face. 

He licks the shell of his ear, biting his earlobe, taking his time to play with it. “This time it’s not for work, it might surprise you… how real it feels”.

Taehyun doesn’t know what to reply so he just kisses him again, hugging him entirely, his legs tangling with his ones as he tries to recollect himself for just one instant. He just doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s pretty sure Seungyoon doesn’t too, but he can’t ignore the need he feels inside his chest for the sake of another lie. So he blocks Seungyoon from kissing him once more, just to say one last thing. “I’ve never…”

Seungyoon nods, understanding what he means again. Taehyun entrusts himself in his hands.

 

It’s not something he can explain with words, the way it feels. The way his hands run over his knotted muscle and make them melt against his skin, bending and tensing for something that’s not red anger but electric desire. The way his lips close above his heart, in a silent kiss, and make Taehyun wonder if he’s ever seen something as intimate and ground-breaking as this (the answer is no, but he whispers only _yes_ to Seungyoon). The way he takes his breath away, so much Taehyun curls his hand around the first thing he can find, clinging on it like it will save him from all of this.

It’s the first time he feels like he’s losing himself completely, and finding himself again, just under Seungyoon. Every word he has stuck inside his chest gets washed away by his touch, and his smuggle smile, and his kisses.

Taehyun doesn’t mind the cold floor against his back, the ache he feels when Seungyoon pushes the first finger inside him, the sensation of excitement and fear he feels when he opens to him, unlocking everything he’s kept secured within; he doesn’t mind anything at all, because for the first time in forever he’s living again. And it feels so much better than anything else he’s ever experienced.

\\\

_BREAKING NEWS: the filming has ended in the best ways, and we can’t wait to see the movie in the theatres. Sadly it will take another few months before this will be possible, but we are used to wait. What’s more amazing is seeing these new photos from the set, showing how much the two co-stars have bonded during the month of filming. They look like they’re having a lot of fun for sure. It’s not something many expected to happen, but you never know a human’s heart, and if Nam Taehyun can open his heart to Kang Seungyoon, we are sure everyone in the movie industry will do the same._  
They say every end is just a new beginning… 


End file.
